December 13, 2006
わが庵〈酔夢楼〉には文豪が棲まっている。
名を言えば、誰もが知っている文豪である。
目に見えるわけではない。
手触りがあるのでもない。
しかし、たしかに棲んでいる。
いわば霊のような存在である。
霊のようなものであるから、増幅されているのであろうか。
まるで彼が３人いるような感じである。
そはたれか。
教えよう。
坂口安吾だ。
ワタシガサカグチデス。
時、師走。
例年のこととして、アタマが痛いのは大掃除だ。
大掃除しなければ、新しき年を迎えることはもとより、冷気を凌ぐ炬燵を出すこともできぬ（一軒家は下がすぐ地面だから床からしんしん冷えてくるので、炬燵なくして冬は越せない）。
しかるに、わが庵は本、雑誌、仕事の資料、その他実にさまざまなものが散乱し、かつ至る所――居室といわずキッチンのあるフローリングのスペースといわず――山積みになっており、人を招くこともできないばかりか、あるじとて玄関から居室までは一直線で行けるはずなのに、真っ直ぐ歩けないようなありさまにあるからだ。
だから、片づけや掃除ということになると、どこから手を付けてよいのやら、途方に暮れてしまうのが常だ。
たがせいか。
その文豪の霊のようなものが、しかも３人分ほど棲まっているせいとしか思えない。
ちっとはあるじの仕事のほうに乗り移ってくれればいいのに。
(21:36)
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If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
The truth is more important than the facts.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
A hen is only an egg��s way of making another egg.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air �� however slight �� lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
A hen is only an egg��s way of making another egg.
A hen is only an egg��s way of making another egg.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
The covers of this book are too far apart.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Mit der Dummheit k辰mpfen G旦tter selbst vergebens
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels��!
Why don't you write books people can read?
Men have become the tools of their tools.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Why don't you write books people can read?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
I am not young enough to know everything.
I am not young enough to know everything.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air �� however slight �� lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels��!
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels��!
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels��!
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels��!
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
The truth is more important than the facts.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
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To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air �� however slight �� lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
If there��s one thing I know it��s God does love a good joke.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
1402. Posted by Duke university medical center researchers in the department of pathology discovered that resveratro
July 13, 2011 16:49
July 13, 2011 16:49My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
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